Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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