your room smells of hookers.
And success
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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