I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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