Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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