I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
