so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
