She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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