the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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