How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
handjob tips. give me some.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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