I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
