Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
