if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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