Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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