Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
