All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
