Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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