Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
