She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
