i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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