Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Randomize
