"it" just moved
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
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