Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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