I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
