Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
