Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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