he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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