You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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