We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
