I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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