Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
