You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
