Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
is wine microwaveable?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
