My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize