I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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