My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize