Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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