i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
