I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
