Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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