Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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