Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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