dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize