I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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