Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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