Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Randomize
