She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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