I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
