I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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