she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize