Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
