Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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