On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
