Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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