You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
