Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
