Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't deserve a penis
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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