Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize