I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
