Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
