my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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