Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Found your dick twin last night
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
