Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
