then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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