Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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