I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
